Diamond
by peridotaurora
Summary: After the death of Ellone, Squall loses everything and suffers a mental breakdown. When he falls ill, he receives an unexpected visitor. Rated for possible swearing.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this game. I don't own anything except this story.

Summary: Squall loseseverything andsuffers a mental breakdown after the death of Ellone. After falling ill, he receives an unexpected visitor.

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**Diamond**

_**Prologue**_

_Ellone,_

_It's kind of hard to explain why I'm writing this letter. I guess it's because you're the only one who has the kind of information I need. I need answers. Can we talk sometime?_

_-Squall_

Squall had sent this terse message to his sister-figure, after weeks of thought. _I know that there's things that I don't understand about myself…I just don't know if I want to know them._

He didn't know who his parents were. He didn't know where he had been born. He didn't know any of the circumstances of his childhood. He hardly knew anything about himself.

_But do I want to know?_

He wasn't sure. He had everything now: friends, a girlfriend, peace. He didn't want his world to be turned upside down again. He wanted things to stay the way they were.

"You shouldn't be so afraid of change," Rinoa had told him once, twining her arms around his neck and breathing into his ear. "You'll get hurt even more when it happens." She was always so concerned about Squall getting hurt. She knew he was fragile inside, and needed to be regarded with caution.

"I'm not afraid," he had lied. "I just like the way things are right now." He had smiled at her, trying to make it seem like he wasn't thinking.

_She's right, of course. She's always right. _

He shoved the letter into the Balamb Garden mailbox. He felt better. _I don't have anything to lose._

As the days passed, he imagined his little letter lazily floating along its course until it fell into the hands of his Sis. That letter held such importance. _It holds my whole life history, for crying out loud. _He thought about it so much that Selphie teased him about zoning out.

His heart was thundering in his ears as a letter was delivered to him a week and a half later.

_Squall,_

_I'd be happy to talk to you about whatever you need to talk about. I'll be coming to Balamb Garden in 3 days. Be ready for me!_

_Love,_

_Ellone_

Squall scribbled a hasty reply to the letter, sent it immediately afterwards, and rushed off to prevent a potential brawl between two new arrivals at Balamb Garden.

Ellone never received the reply to her letter. Squall didn't learn what happened to her until the day after he sent the letter.

It was a seemingly normal day. Squall was tackling the enormous heap of paperwork that was addressing an upcoming fundraiser. _Where the hell are Zell, Selphie, and Irvine when I actually need them?_

Quistis had flung open the door to Squall's room, flushed and out of breath from running. "Squall!" she gasped. "I wanted you to hear it from me first…"

"Quistis, _what_? What's the matter?" he said irritably.

"It's Ellone," she said, the blood draining out of her face. Her eyes were starting to shine from the tears gathering in them. "Squall…"

But from the moment that Quistis had said Ellone's name, Squall already realized what had happened.

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Alright, it's short, but that's the start. You know what to do, people.


	2. Lost and Found

Thanks for the reviews, guys! I love them more than words can say.

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**Diamond**

**Chapter Two**

"But _how_? How the fuck did it _happen_?" yelled President Laguna Loire into the phone. He was alone in his office when he had received the news about the death of his foster niece.

"She was taking a bus to Balamb Garden. Apparently, the vehicle she was traveling on lost control and drove off into a ravine. The driver was having a heart attack. Only one person survived the crash, and he's in critical condition," the coroner replied.

Laguna put his hand to his forehead, covering his eyes. "Alright," he said gruffly. "Call if you get any more information." He dropped the phone.

Laguna realized that he was shuddering. Ellone, his only remaining family, was gone. His eyes started stinging with horror as he pictured her frail, broken body, lying among a mangled bus in a ditch. He squeezed his eyes shut and massaged his temples.

Never. He never wanted to think of that again. Laguna leaned against the cool glass of his office window, silent tears shining on his face. She had been like his daughter. She had called him "Uncle Laguna," and he had loved her. _I loved her, and now she's gone_. He had lost Raine, and now he had lost Ellone. _Now I have nothing to lose._

He jumped as he heard knocks on his office door. "Come in!" he said hotly, quickly wiping his eyes.

It was Kiros. He stood in the doorway cautiously, looking at Laguna. "I heard about…" he said finally.

"Yes," Laguna said quietly. He didn't feel like anyone saying Ellone's name at present. "Is there something you need?"

"Not particularly," Kiros said. "I just thought I'd tell you that Ellone's funeral is in 3 days. You're going, right? It's going to be held here."

"Of course I'm going," Laguna murmured. "Tell them I'll pay for everything."

"I will," Kiros said sympathetically. "You gonna be OK?"

Laguna attempted a smile, but only succeeded in making himself look pained. "Sooner or later, Kiros, I'm sure I'll be fine."

Kiros nodded and started to leave. He didn't have a reason to doubt that Laguna would bounce back. But it was different this time. Laguna had now lost everything.

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**Here Lies Ellone Loire**

Ellone's funeral was on a windy autumn day in Esthar. Students in SeeD uniforms, various Esthar residents, and friends of Laguna Loire were gathered around her casket, bracing themselves against the cold.

Squall was careful not to let his face show any emotion. His face looked as though it had been set in stone. His friends were throwing curious glances at him, but he only had eyes for the mahogany casket lying in front of him.

As the casket was being lowered into the freshly dug earth, Laguna glanced at Squall's face. It was strange. He looked so familiar. "That boy looks so much like Raine," he remarked quietly to Kiros. He instantly regretted saying it. Now that the women in his life were gone, he was starting to see them everywhere.

"Yeah, I guess he does," Kiros said dubiously. "But half the kids here have brown hair and blue eyes. It's nothing special, Laguna."

"I know," Laguna admitted sadly.

Kiros patted his friend's back, trying to console him. _I hope you'll smile again._

Rinoa gently tugged at Squall's sleeve. He ignored her. It was like Squall Leonhart wasn't really there, and there was an empty shell in his place. It hurt Rinoa so much that she refused to accept it as true.

Later that night, as Squall lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling, one word was reverberating in his brain, echoing and invading all his thoughts.

_Sis…_

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Laguna was having a hard time sleeping. He woke up continuously during the night, and when he finally did drift off into sleep, he had a dream.

_Laguna was sitting in a Winhill field, gazing at Raine's grave again. The windmills lazily stirred the air, and bees were zooming among the flowers. All was well here. He wasn't sad. He didn't feel anything but pure contentment._

_"Uncle Laguna!" he heard a voice call. He turned. Ellone was on the top of the hill, waving and smiling. "Hey!"_

_"Ellie!" he cried jovially. He hadn't been this happy in such a long time. His Ellie wasn't dead. She was right in front of him and smiling. _

_She hugged him tight. "I missed you so much. But I didn't come here just to say hi."_

_"Well, what is it?" an unsuspecting Laguna said. He was ready for anything she had to say. He felt like his normal self now - upbeat and cheerful. "It's good news, right?"_

_Ellone smiled enigmatically. "In a way." She settled herself next to him and began to tell her story._

_"You have a son, Uncle Laguna," she said, without beating around the bush. "Raine had a baby after you left. Then she died."_

_Laguna's head was reeling from the way she had delivered this news. It was HORRIBLE of her! How could she just change Laguna's life so nonchalantly? There was a roaring inside Laguna's head, in his body, in his ears, but the only thing he could say was, "What?"_

_"I'm sorry you had to learn this way, Uncle Laguna, I was going to tell you…"_

_Laguna jumped up. "Wait! Why DIDN'T you tell me? This was more than 17 years ago! Why hasn't ANYONE told me? Why am I the LAST person to know about MY OWN SON!" He was yelling now, even though he didn't want to be. God damn, he was angry now._

_Ellone was crying now. "I'm sorry, Uncle, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for it to turn out like this!" she sobbed._

_Laguna's face immediately softened, and he hugged her again. He hated yelling at people, especially the ones he cared about. "No, I'm sorry. It's just…it's hard to just learn about this now. There's still someone out there for me to love, and I didn't know it…" he said, his voice breaking._

_"I was trying to change time," she explained. "I wanted to make things happen differently. I was trying to make Raine survive, and I was trying to make you come back, and…we'd all be a family again. Stupid of me, right?"_

_"No," he said. "Not stupid at all. In fact, I'm glad you tried. It's what I want, too."_

_"Well, I was wrong. You can't change time, no matter how much you want to. So…I was just going to let time take its course. But that didn't work. Obviously, I have to bring the two of you together."_

_Laguna's head was still spinning. A son. He had a **son**. He could hardly believe it. "What am I supposed to do now?" he whispered tearfully._

_Ellone wrapped her arms around him. "You have a son, Uncle. You have a son, and he's beautiful."_

_"Tell me all about him," Laguna said breathlessly. His skin was tingling._

_Ellone giggled. "You have to find all that out for yourself. I'm just here to let you know that he's out there."_

_"Please," he begged. "At least tell me his name." There was a yearning inside him that almost hurt._

_She smiled again and started to disappear right in front of his eyes. But before she was entirely gone, she whispered something that infiltrated Laguna's ears like wind:_

_"Squall Leonhart."_

When Laguna woke up, his face was wet with tears. _Crying in my sleep? And I thought I couldn't get any crazier…_

But it was odd: he was in a much better mood that day. He was confident that his dream was not _really_ just a dream.

He called Kiros. "Tell 'em all that I'm taking the day off!" he announced grandly. He had two meetings today, but he couldn't care less now.

"Okay. You sound…better…" Kiros said awkwardly. "What are you up to now? It isn't anything crazy, is it?"

"I'll tell you later. Meet me at the field in ten."

Before Kiros got there, Laguna stood over Raine's grave. "I wish I had known," he said softly to her. "But now, I'll make things right. I swear to you."

Kiros appeared ten minutes later, looking very apprehensive. "Are you sure you're alright, Loire?"

"I'm fantastic, Kiros, and I'm going to tell you why," Laguna said, beaming. "I had a dream last night. In my dream, Ellone came up to me, alive and healthy. She told me…" he paused for dramatic license. "She told me that I have a son."

Kiros raised an eyebrow. "Laguna…have you taken into account that this was…a _dream_?" he said incredulously.

Laguna laughed. "It wasn't just a dream, Kiros. I know it."

"_Laguna_," Kiros said impatiently. "You've got to be kidding me." The last thing Kiros needed right now was an Outlandish Laguna Loire Plan.

"Can't you just believe me? Please, Kiros. I need this more than you know," Laguna implored.

Kiros sighed. "I swear to God, Loire, this better not be some wild goose chase…"

"So you'll help me? Great!" Laguna said, his face brightening. "This is going to be great, Kiros. I have a _son_. Do you wanna know his name?"

"Astonish me," Kiros said wearily.

"It's Squall Leonhart," Laguna replied, savoring the name. "And we are going to find him."

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Alrighty. It's gonna start getting interesting real fast. Until next time...(Note: I won't update until there are at least five reviews! So get on it!)


	3. The Diamond

**Diamond**

**Chapter Three**

_What have I become?_

_My sweetest friend_

_Everyone I know goes away in the end._

_And you could have it all._

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

-"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

* * *

Pushing people away when you need them the most isn't the wisest action to take. But it's exactly what Squall kept doing.

First, there were his friends. _"Why won't you tell us what's wrong with you?" "Yeah, we're your FRIENDS!" "Come on, Leonhart, you can tell us anything."_

"_Leave me alone!_" was the response every time. He didn't want to burden people with his problems. He didn't want to _deal _with them right now.

Then there had been Rinoa. _"Talk to me, let me help you, we can fix this. Let me in! Why don't you trust me?_"

He couldn't. Not right now.

Eventually, they turned their backs. Every single one of them turned their backs and wouldn't speak to him. They gave him dirty looks and whispered about him. They mistook his grief for snobbery.

"Leonhart always thought he was too good for us," said Seifer contemptuously, while Squall was still within earshot. It still stung, even though Squall couldn't remember the last time that he cared what Seifer thought.

The look on Quistis's face had hurt him the most. It was a pity look. She looked wounded. Then she turned away, like the rest of them had.

His superiors were sympathetic at first, then impatient. Squall was even more withdrawn than he usually was, he didn't get involved. He was wracked with guilt. (_If I hadn't sent her the letter, she wouldn't have tried to come here…)_ He stayed inside a lot, and skipped meals. He lost hours of sleep. They sharply reprimanded him for "setting a bad example." They warned him that "Headmaster Cid was taking notice."

_It's exactly what I had dreaded: losing everything._

It was the rainy season in Balamb Garden, and the bad weather put Squall in an even worse mood. Sheets of rain drenched the ground, and the cold was inescapable. Sickness was running rampant.

Squall stayed in his room more than ever; hoping that if maybe he stayed really still, no one would notice that he was there.

Unfortunately for him, his plan didn't work. There was a soft knock at his door. "Squall?" It was Rinoa. "Can I come in?"

He didn't answer. Maybe she would think that he wasn't there, and leave. _I am a horrible person._

"I know you're in there. If I can't come in, I'll just stay here and talk to you. I really need to talk to you right now," she said firmly. She knew better than to intrude on his privacy. She took a deep breath.

"Squall…I'm worried about you. All of us are, even though we might not show it. We know you're hurting, OK? And…" her voice was trembling. "And we _want _to help you! I just wish you'd let us take some of the burden for once."

Squall suddenly felt very cold. He wrapped himself in a coverlet cocoon and didn't stir.

Rinoa continued. "It hurts me to see you like this. It hurts me when you don't trust me enough to let me help you." He heard her start to cry quietly. "I love you…so much. And I thought you loved me too…Don't you?"

Squall was shaking now. He was so sensitive that it felt like Rinoa was ripping out a tiny chunk of his heart with every word she spoke.

Rinoa took his silence as a "no." She started sobbing. "I know that we risked everything for each other, Squall. I know that we changed each other. I know that our time together was…beyond words." She put her hand on the cold door, and wiped her eyes. "I wish I could have been enough for you. I wish I could be what you needed. But, I guess I can't be."

Squall's face crumpled up and he curled up into an even tighter ball. He didn't know it was possible to feel this horrible.

"Goodbye, Squall Leonhart," she said softly. And then she was gone.

He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. _I **do **love you, _he mouthed into the cloth. A tear snaked down his cheek and left a miniscule drop of moisture on the sheets. _You were more than enough for me. _There was a funereal gloom around Squall's tiny bedroom.

That night, he couldn't stand being in that room anymore. He snuck out into the pouring rain and stood in the empty courtyard. It was almost 2:00 in the morning, and every sensible soul was asleep.

It felt so good. The rain gave Squall the sensation of being cleansed, of being forgiven. He turned his face up to the sky and let himself be pummeled by the rain.

_What is it that I want now? Vindication? Redemption? I don't even know anymore._ _The last time I wanted something important, somebody died for it._

He felt like a glass vase that had been dropped on a stone floor: shattered. Every waking second was pain. When he opened his mouth, nothing came out. His heart felt bruised from everyone that had left him. The worst thing was, it was all his fault.

He was soaked to the bone now, but still he stayed. The rain hammered down relentlessly without signs of stopping. Without warning, Squall burst into tears. His body was jolted with convulsive sobs, each one bigger and fiercer than the last. It was almost a panic attack.

"I need you!" he cried. There was no one around, but he was addressing all of them: Ellone, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Rinoa. All of them. All the ones he had ignored or pushed away.

He felt dizzy. His head was swimming so that he could no longer think. Then his legs felt like they had been turned to water, and the last thing that Squall heard before he hit the ground was the sickening sound of his head hitting something hard.

* * *

Laguna was at his desk when Kiros entered the office, bearing a thin manila folder. He tossed the folder onto the desk in front of him.

"Squall Leonhart. Age 17. SeeD commander," Kiros rattled off. Laguna picked up the folder and inspected it. A tiny picture fell out.

"Kiros, it's the boy from the funeral," Laguna said triumphantly. "I knew it! I just had a gut feeling…"

"Well, knowing _your _gut feelings, who could blame me for being doubtful?" Kiros joked.

"Hey!" retorted Laguna. He took another look at the picture. "Look at him, Kiros. My son. Oh man…" He put his head in his hands, overwhelmed. Ellone had been right. He _was _beautiful.

"Hey," Kiros said. "I'm happy for you, man. I really am. You know there's only one thing left to do, right?"

Laguna grinned. "Yeah." He took one last look at the picture, then slipped it into his pocket.

_I'm coming, son._


	4. The Moment of Truth

Squall woke up with a hideous headache. He felt the back of his head, where there was a sizeable lump. He would have groaned, but his throat felt blocked up.

His muscles ached, and his head felt clogged. And for the second time, he was terribly cold. _What happened last night and where the hell am I?_

He wasn't in his room. He was in a tiny, white room with a cabinet, a little desk, and a tiny chair. The smell of disinfectant permeated the air. It took about 2 minutes for him to process that this was the Balamb Garden Infirmary. Someone must have found him last night and carried him here. His clothes were stiff from the torrential rain the night before.

The infirmary was as silent as a tomb. Occasionally, he could hear people coughing. In a way, it was nice. Peaceful. No one to not look at him or make him feel like scum. And if he concentrated hard enough, he could block out the dark thoughts from the night before until he was in a Zen-like state of disguised apathy.

The door swung open. A short-haired nurse in a white uniform came in bearing a breakfast tray. Her eyes widened when she saw Squall. "Oh God! I _told _them to get you out of those clothes when they brought you in! You'll probably catch pneumonia or worse now…"

"Oh, no…that's alright," Squall said vaguely. He wasn't exactly sure how much he'd like the idea of people undressing him in his sleep anyway. But at this moment, nothing seemed to really bother him anymore…

The nurse put her hand on his forehead impatiently. "Burning up and half-delirious…I swear…" She dug around in a cabinet until she found a packet of disposable thermometers. She ripped one out of the package and shoved one in Squall's mouth. "The clothes are dry now and the damage is done, but stay in bed, or you'll have hell to pay!"

After a minute or two, the nurse tugged the thermometer out of Squall's mouth and inspected it. "102. I'll go get you some meds. Stay in bed, alright?"

"But I'm not…I'm feeling fine--_ACHOO!"_ The explosive force of the sneeze almost knocked Squall back against the headboard.

The nurse smiled wryly. "Nice try, Leonhart. I'll be right back."

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"Awww, he just doesn't wanna work!" Selphie protested upon hearing the news that their Commander had taken ill. The gang was at work organizing the aforementioned fundraiser. "Organizing" was tantamount to paperwork. And lots of it.

"Easy, Selph," Irvine said. "Maybe it's serious. Didn't you hear? They found him in the courtyard last night. They said that he fainted."

"_Fainted_? And who's 'they'?" Zell asked.

Irvine shrugged. "It's just what I heard. He's in the infirmary right now. He's probably really sick."

"Yeah, well…what do we care? He's a jerk, anyway," Zell said unconvincingly.

Selphie looked at him knowingly. "That's not nice and not true. You're worried, Zell."

Zell scowled. "Am not. And what's the deal with you guys? You were all mad at him just a day ago, and now you're acting like a bunch of saints! What gives?"

Selphie sighed. "Zell! He's still our friend, right?"

"So, what should we do? Give him space or go see him?" Irvine pressed.

Selphie paused. She was suddenly acting mature and sensible. It was disconcerting. "I don't know," she admitted.

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"For the last time, I'm _fine_," Squall said forcefully. "I don't feel sick. I mean, I just have a fever, so what?" He didn't particularly know why he was weaving this web of lies. He just knew that he wanted to get the hell out of the infirmary _right now_.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that, while you cough up a lung," the nurse said. "You're _sick_, Leonhart, and nothing but bed rest and a lot of medicine is going to change it."

"You can't make me stay here," he said mutinously.

The nurse frowned. "For God's sake, Leonhart, can't you do what you're told? Just once?" She slammed down a cup of pills angrily. "Take those every hour on the hour. I'll check up on you at six. And if you even think of trying to make a run for it, I'll have them strap you down." The nurse exited and closed the door behind her.

_Well_, he thought. _All that's left to do is to get better._ He liked thinking about the things that were right in front of him. That way, he wouldn't have to focus on the past, the future, or anything else that might hurt him.

He locked the door, tossed a pill into his mouth, and flopped down onto the bed to catch up on some sleep.

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Meanwhile, at the front entrance of the infirmary, Kiros was trying to convince an extremely reluctant Quistis Trepe to let Laguna into Squall's room.

"He's sick," Quistis said shortly. "It might be contagious, and we can't risk anything right now. And, to be frank, I wouldn't recommend anyone seeing him even if he _wasn't _sick."

"Consider this a matter of utmost importance," Kiros said quietly. But Laguna said, "Why don't you recommend anybody seeing him?"

Quistis looked from Kiros to Laguna. "He's in bad shape. That's all I'm going to say about it." She turned to Kiros. "And _what _is so important about it?"

"It's extremely important," Kiros smirked. "That's all I'm going to say about it."

Laguna gave Quistis his broadest, most charming smile. "Ms. Trepe, if you please. I don't care about the health risks. All I ask is that I have some time alone with my…er…this boy."

Quistis allowed herself a smile. "Fine. If you'll just wait here one moment…"

She strode down the hall until she reached Squall's room. She knocked briskly on the door.

"Go away!" barked Squall.

Quistis entered anyway. "That lock doesn't work," she announced.

"I noticed," Squall said curtly. "What do you want?"

"Someone wants to see you," she said, adjusting her glasses. "And it's no use turning them away, because I already said they could come in."

"Who is it?" he asked wearily. He had been so close to forgetting everything that was wrong…

Quistis leaned out of the doorframe and called, "You can come in now!"

Laguna strode in, and nodded at Squall. "Um…hello." Anxiety was written all over his face. _It's my son. In the flesh_, he thought numbly.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Squall sit, suddenly sitting upright.

"_Squall_!" Quistis cried, horrified. This was the president of Esthar, for the love of God…

"It's alright," Laguna said calmly, even though it was hardly the greeting that he had expected. He glanced at Kiros and Quistis, and they immediately filed out and gently closed the door.

After hovering hesitantly by the door, he walked to Squall's bedside. "Stay still. Let me look at you."

"Why…?" Aside from having no idea what Laguna was doing, Squall had no idea why he was even _here._

Laguna sighed and rubbed his sleep-deprived eyes. "I don't have any other way to tell you this than just to tell you outright."

He pulled up the tiny chair and sat in it. "Squall Leonhart…your name should rightfully be Squall Loire. I don't know how to put it any more delicately than that."

It took a few seconds for the news to register. When he finally did understand, Squall simply said, "That's not funny, Mr. Loire."

"I'm not kidding!" Laguna said desperately. He had been afraid of this. "I…know this for a fact. You're my son, Squall. And I only just found out a day ago. I didn't even know you _existed_…"

Squall sat up more, a sort of defiance glinting in his eyes. "Prove it," he said menacingly.

Laguna sat in silence for a moment. _How could I possibly prove…why didn't I think of this?_

Finally, he had an idea. He pulled out his picture of Raine from his wallet, where he always kept it. He handed it to Squall wordlessly.

Squall studied it. It was a pretty young woman, whose demeanor just exuded gentleness. _My eyes and my nose. Yeah, that would do it. _He turned the picture over. The word "Raine" was written there in pencil.

"This is my mother, isn't it? And I suppose she's dead?" he said quietly. Laguna nodded.

Squall felt the overwhelming urge to vomit. When he imagined reunions with his father, he had imagined a solid, powerful man who was _like _him. He imagined his mother as a tearful, beautiful woman happy to finally see her child at last.

Not the bumbling Laguna Loire and no mother to speak of.

"I don't believe this," he said, turning away from Laguna. "I don't fucking believe this."

"Believe me, I had a hard time believing it, too," said Laguna, trying to make light of the situation.

Squall shot him a dirty look. "It's not supposed to be like this."

"It's not supposed to be like what?" Laguna asked. He could tell that this was going to take a lot of effort.

"Not…you," was all Squall could say. He closed his eyes.

Laguna tried to pretend that the remark hadn't hurt him, and said, "Why not me?"

Squall didn't answer.

"Why don't you like me?" Laguna asked.

Squall opened one eye. "You want honesty?"

"Yes," Laguna answered, already having serious misgivings.

"If you say so. I think you're irresponsible. You're not serious enough, and you're careless. Happy?"

The silence and tension was so thick that it felt tangible.

"Well…I can't say that I didn't ask for that," Laguna said finally. After a pause, he said, "That Quistis woman out there said that you were in bad shape."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." More silence.

Surprisingly, Squall was the one to break the silence this time. "So you said you found out about this a day ago. How did you find out?"

Laguna told the story about first seeing Squall at Ellone's funeral, having his dream, and then having Kiros track him down. Laguna was faintly aware of how silly he sounded.

Squall laughed bitterly. "Prophetic dreams that tell you your children's identities. That's something you don't hear everyday."

"I didn't know whether or not to believe it at first," Laguna admitted. "But then…why leave something like that to chance, you know? And look: I've found you. I made a promise to your mother that I'd make things right, and now here I am."

Squall didn't say anything else. Laguna sighed. _I give up. This isn't going anywhere…_

He got up and turned to go. He had just about reached the door when Squall suddenly said, "What was she like, anyway? My mother."

"Raine? She was one of a kind…and I don't mean that lightly," Laguna answered, still facing the door. "She was the sweetest woman you could ever meet, but she could give me a good kick in the pants if I ever needed one. You would have liked her." He snuck a quick glance of Squall, and saw something that he hadn't expected.

In that moment, Squall had lowered his defenses and allowed himself to look vulnerable, almost sad. But, as quickly as Laguna had seen it, the illusion disappeared. It was like a flash.

_You're still a real person. You're not just a real person, you're my son. You may bitch and bite at me all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that you're damaged and that I might be able to help you._

Laguna smiled. If he worked hard enough, he might have an advantage in this battle after all.

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-peridotaurora


	5. Nobody Said it was Easy

"How'd it go?" Kiros asked as soon as Laguna exited Squall's room.

"Ugh," Laguna groaned, slapping his hand to his face.

"That bad, huh?" Kiros observed.

"You wouldn't even believe…" Laguna lamented. He was in serious need of a coffee right now.

"So, are you going back?" asked Kiros.

"Well, yeah, but…_God,_ it's not gonna be easy."

"Here," Kiros said. "Let's go grab a bite to eat, and we can talk about it."

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After Laguna left, Squall suffered a debilitating coughing fit that left him breathless and exhausted. He slumped back against the bed, his brown hair tousled and matted from sweat. He focused on his physical pain, rather than his emotional pain.

He squeezed his eyes shut. He had been hurting when Laguna had talked about Raine Leonhart, but he couldn't help it, and he'd _never_ admit it.

He only had one memory of his mother. He could remember himself drowning, struggling for air, gasping and taking in water. And even though he was only a small child, Squall had never felt so scared since. He still got shivers up his spine whenever he saw dark water. He could never forget the fear. _It was like I could feel myself dying._

But just when it looked like all hope for Squall's life was lost, he could feel a pair of strong hands plucking him out of the cold water and bringing him to shore. Then, just like that, he could feel the strong hands slipping away.

Squall shuddered. _She died, I lived. A mother giving herself for her child. It's happened so many times, but this time just feels overwhelmingly different._

He didn't like being in here anymore. The silence made it feel like Squall Leonhart was resting in his own grave. He suddenly wanted someone to talk to. He didn't care who. _Well, I know who I **want** to talk to,_ he thought bitterly. _But I doubt Rinoa ever wants to speak to me again._

Hell, he'd even like it if Laguna came back. Incompetent or not, he was still someone to talk to. Anything was better than this oppressive silence.

He rolled over, facing the window. If he didn't get his life straightened out soon, then the silence would be all that he had.

Properly caffeinated and fully recharged, Laguna entered Squall's room for the second time.

"Back again?" Squall asked, almost conversationally.

"Afraid so. I'm not all that easy to shake off," Laguna replied cheerfully. He tossed a bottle full of red sports drink to Squall; Squall caught it. "For you. It's for your throat."

"Thank you," Squall said, almost inaudibly, into the pillow. Actually, thought Laguna, it was so muffled that it could have been "fuck you." You never knew what to expect with this boy.

Laguna stifled a cough in his arm. Squall noticed. "Looks like you're already getting sick. You'd better get out of here."

"Oh-ho, nice try, Squall," Laguna said, grinning. "You're stuck with me whether you like it or not. And it's up to you whether this is enjoyable or pure torture."

They were quiet until Laguna said, "How did you get sick, anyway?"

"Long story short, I fainted in the rain," Squall said. "That's all there is to it."

Laguna knew that there obviously _was_ more to it, but he didn't think that it would be a good idea to pursue it now. He looked around the room for something, _anything_ else to talk about.

"Where'd you get that?" he asked finally, gesturing at Squall.

Squall knew that he was talking about "The Scar." About two inches long, and stretching across the bridge of his nose, it was quite a conversation topic. Squall rubbed at it unconsciously. "Oh, that. Uh…well, I was sorta sparring with this one guy Seifer, and…in the end, we ended up slashing each other's heads open."

Laguna laughed heartily. "Uh-oh. That scar looks like it's going to last a long time."

"I know. Just what I need, right? A permanent reminder of _Seifer_…" Squall said with disgust.

Laguna laughed again. "Well, that's okay. Girls like scars, am I right? Or not…"

A ghost of a smile flitted across Squall's face before it disappeared again.

Laguna tried to think of another conversation topic. _Come on, Squall…conversations with you can't ALWAYS be this one-sided…_

"Do you miss Ellone a lot?" he blurted.

_What kind of question is that? _"I try not to think about it," Squall said coolly.

"Well, that's no good," Laguna said dismissively.  
"What?"

"That's not good. It's not healthy. Forgetting about Ellone entirely…" he sighed. "is an insult to her memory."

Squall was silent. _Big surprise, _Laguna thought. He continued.

"Yeah, I miss her. She was like my daughter. I miss her _and _your mother so much that it hurts. But they're dead. _I'm _not dead. So why should I act like it?"

Squall managed to avoid sneering; it was this happy, go-lucky attitude that made him dislike Laguna in the first place. _I'm not **like **you, Laguna. When something happens to me, I really **feel **it. _

"She was very important to me. How about you?"

_I wish he'd stop asking me these stupid questions._ "She was basically my sister. What else do you need to know?"

Laguna paused. "I don't _need_ to know anything, Squall. I'm just here as an ordinary guy, who wants to talk to his only son. We're together again. That's all I ever _needed_ to know. Now that I know that, everything is complete again."

"Don't you have…I don't know…_presidential _stuff to do? I'm sure that it would be more entertaining," Squall shot back.

"It's not your job to entertain me, Squall," Laguna said severely.

"Why are you even doing this, anyway? We're obviously not getting anywhere," Squall challenged. He knew he sounded immature, but he was on a roll.

Laguna didn't say anything for a while. When he did, he said, "We're very much alike, you and I."

Squall almost bolted upright. "I'm _nothing_ like you!" he snarled, with an almost bestial look on his face.

Laguna chuckled. "No need to take so much offense; it's true. We're both passionate. We don't know when to quit. And, when we want to be, we can be pretty damn stubborn."

Squall stared moodily out of the window. After a while, he said, "I wasn't always like this."

"Like what?" Laguna asked.

He didn't get an answer. Somehow, he knew that the conversation was over.

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"Um…rough time?" guessed Kiros, upon seeing Laguna slumped unhappily into his office chair that evening.

"Got that right," Laguna said roughly. "I don't think I can do this for much longer, Kiros."

"That's the spirit," Kiros said sarcastically. "Come on, Laguna. You can do this. You have to. He's your _son_."

Laguna put his head in his hands. "You have no idea. This kid cuts me down to size on a regular basis. He's never even _met _me before this, and he hates me. You should hear the things he says to me."

"He does not _hate _you," Kiros said wearily.

Laguna trembled. "That's the thing. He says horrible things to me, and makes me feel like shit, but…" He raised his head, his eyes glassy. Kiros took a step back. He hadn't ever seen Laguna lose control like this before. "Whenever I look at him, I still love him. I love him so much! I mean, I don't understand it at all. No matter what he says to me, I love him! It hurts, because he hates me," Laguna wailed.

"He doesn't _hate_ you," Kiros repeated. "And it's normal. People fight with their kids all the time. It's nothing _new_. This kid's just a regular kid."

"Oh, if only you knew…"

Squall sat in bed long after Laguna left, fiddling with the cap of his sports drink bottle. He was hopelessly bored now.

Alright, he would admit it: he had gone overboard when he had been lashing out of Laguna. But it had been so long since the last time Squall had to apologize for anything, and he wasn't sure if he knew how to do it anymore.

_Besides. I'm allowed to hold a grudge. The guy waltzes in after 17 years of not being there, and expects me to be perfectly happy with it. It's not going to happen. _

"Squall," the nurse said, peeking her head into the room. "You've got a letter." She handed it to him, and quickly walked away for fear of catching Squall's contagious disease.

Squall weighed the envelope in his hands. It was far more heavy than a normal letter. He slit it open.

When he overturned the envelope, the ring on a silver chain that he had given to Rinoa slid out of it and plopped onto the bed. He picked it up and looked at it wordlessly. His eyes stung with tears. He bit his lip. It was the official "break-up" as if the other one hadn't been official enough already.It was the official end of one of the happiest chapters in Squall Leonhart's life.

A small slip of paper accompanied the ring.

_Wear it so you don't forget about me._

_-Rinoa_

The back of the card was adorned with Rinoa's wing insignia.

"Well, that's that, then," he whispered out loud. He clasped the necklace around his neck. It felt cold and unnatural resting at his throat after so much time of seeing it around Rinoa's. _This is the end. _He wiped his eyes and placed the card on the nightstand.

And, after hours of trying to keep it away, Squall allowed the darkness to infiltrate his mind.

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Not the happiest chapter ever, but they can't all be cheerful, can they?

I'll have an update up as soon as I can.


	6. Opening Up

"Mornin', sunshine," Laguna said jovially as he entered Squall's room on the third day. The cheerful tone of his voice was a little strained; he was trying to hide how tired he was on the inside, but he was more determined than ever to get somewhere with this. _I am going to break some ice today. I just know it._

Squall, however, looked considerably worse. The skin around his eyes looked thin, blue, and bruised. His lips were parched and cracked. His breath hitched. There was still a dry, persistent cough that wouldn't leave him alone.

"Well…you look…healthy," Laguna joked. He pulled open the curtains, letting sunbeams stream into the dark room.

Squall coughed in response. He was too sick and too morose to put up with Laguna today.

After a bit of silence, Laguna said, "Who's Rinoa? A _girl_?" He had been peering at the note on the bedside table.

"Don't go there," Squall said irritably, but the color of his blush told Laguna that Rinoa _was_ a girl, and a very important one at that.

"I'm not saying I wanna go there. I just wanted to know who she was," Laguna pointed out.

_Maybe if I talk, he'll shut up._ "She's my girlfriend, OK? Well…_was_ my girlfriend."

"Was? What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it now."

"OK." Squall had said that he didn't want to talk about it _now_, Laguna thought. Maybe he'll want to talk about it _later_. Things were improving, it seemed. "What was she like?"

Squall didn't answer at first. Laguna was wondering whether he had spoken too soon, but then Squall said, "She was a lot like how you described Raine, I guess."

_Ouch_. _Looks like he's got his fair share of problems_. "Will you tell me something?" Laguna asked.

"Maybe."

"Alright." _I'll give it a shot_. "I want to know why you fainted. Well, not exactly _why _you fainted…I mean, why were you out in the rain in the first place? No offense, but I would've thought that a SeeD commander would know better."

Squall was thought. _Do I want you to know? Do I WANT you to judge me? On the other hand, if I tell you now, you won't ask me again… _"It's a long story," he warned.

"And I've got nothing but time," Laguna said pleasantly.

"Don't ask me questions until I'm done, OK?"

Laguna smiled wryly. "Deal."

Squall sighed and began. "I knew better than to be out in the rain…but the rainy courtyard at night was the only place where there would be no people at all. But I didn't really have to worry about people being around, because even if people _were_ outside, they still wouldn't have talked to me."

"Why not?" Laguna asked, already forgetting about the "deal."

"Hey, I'm getting there. It's really my own fault that all this happened to me. And that's the worst part, you know?" Squall picked at a loose thread on the coverlet, avoiding Laguna's eyes. "See, after Ellone died…I…" he trailed off.

"You what?" Laguna persisted.

Squall looked up at Laguna, with a big, blue-eyed stare. He looked hurt. "I sort of…shut myself in. I couldn't get motivation for anything. It hurt to even think about it. So that's why I don't think about it. It's simple. I don't want to be hurt."

Squall took a deep breath and continued. "I was never good at losing things. But I lost everything a couple of days ago. My friends won't even look at me, because I pushed them out. My teachers told me that Cid was thinking about demoting me. But you know what? I didn't _care_. I couldn't care about anything. I kind of wish…that it would be like that now. Because when I care, I always end up regretting it. It sounds dumb, but it's true. So, I went outside…and fainted in the rain. Happy?"

"Very," Laguna replied. "I think you've just said a whole year's worth of words."

Squall cracked a smile before he could catch himself.

"Ah, I was wondering when we were going to see one of those!" Laguna said triumphantly. "I was beginning to think that your face was stuck in a frown!"

Squall had gotten that same remark more times than he could count. The only person who had said anything remotely different than that had been Rinoa. She had said, "I want to see you smile at least once a day. Just 'cause it's so damn cute." Thinking about her gave him a stomachache.

"You have Raine's smile, you know. She had a lovely smile," Laguna mused. He rubbed his leg. Thinking of Raine reminded him of the pain that had plagued him once.

Sometimes it felt like Laguna was _trying_ to make Squall feel bad.

Laguna leaned forward, feeling impulsive. "Do you want to tell me about Rinoa now?" he asked.

"Don't push your luck, Laguna," Squall replied.

"Call me Dad," Laguna suggested.

Squall glanced at him, and winced slightly. "I can't. Not yet."

"I understand," Laguna said quietly. _I understand that I'm rushing you and that you still need time. _"I'm sorry if this is too painful for you. We can stop if you want."

Squall smirked. "Are you like my shrink now?"

"No," Laguna answered calmly. "I'm just an ordinary guy, who wants to catch up with his ordinary son."

_"Catching up" might be a bit of an understatement._

"I just want to know," Laguna continued. "What makes this Rinoa so difficult to talk about?"

"You really _don't_ know when to quit, do you?" Squall said, annoyed. "If I tell you, will you stop asking me questions?"

"Promise," Laguna said solemnly, even though Squall didn't believe him for a second.

"Rinoa Heartilly…is beyond words," Squall said with difficulty.

Laguna fought to keep his shock under control. _Heartilly? No, I won't ask…I've got enough on my plate for now._

"I've never felt like this about anyone before," Squall said thickly before he decided to stop talking like this. He felt ridiculous. "But now, we've broken up. Here," he said, pulling the necklace off his neck and tossing it to Laguna.

Laguna caught it and looked at it closely. "This looks familiar."

"It was a gift," Squall said, his eyes glinting. "From my mother."

Laguna raised an eyebrow. "Really? She gave you this?"

Squall nodded and looked down. "It was the most valuable thing I owned…I gave it to her when we fell in love."

"And she gave it back?" Laguna asked, stroking the ring and feeling its cool metal on his fingers.

"Yes," Squall said. "And…that was it. It's just hard to talk about because that was the part that hurt the most."

Laguna was quiet, still turning over the ring in his hand. "Thank you for telling me that."

"You're welcome," Squall responded calmly, as if talking about Rinoa hadn't left him reeling. "Now, can I ask _you _a question?"

"Ask me anything," Laguna said confidently.

"How did you meet Raine? If you don't mind me asking."

Laguna smiled gently. "I don't mind you asking. It was…a long time ago. I don't know if you know this, but I used to be a Galbadian soldier. I won't tell you anymore about it, because war stories even put _me_ to sleep. Anyway, my friends and I were out in Centra one day, and I got injured and separated from them. And," he said, grinning. "That's where your mother came in. She was from Winhill. Turns out that she was quite a good caretaker. She managed to juggle both me _and_ Ellone. And the rest is history…"

Squall flinched slightly at the mention of Ellone. If talking about Rinoa was painful, talking about Ellone was like shaking liberal amounts of salt into his wounds.

Laguna noticed Squall's discomfort, and handed the necklace back to him. "Take this. Keep it forever. You have to keep the ones you love close to you. See you tomorrow. Try to get some rest."

Laguna smiled as he closed the door behind him. He had done it. He had managed to break through Squall Leonhart's protective shield. Now all there was to do was bring Squall to the surface.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Squall's eyes felt as heavy as concrete. He had been through a lot today, talking about stuff that he didn't necessarily want to talk about. He felt exhausted.

He clutched the ring that dangled around his neck, and remembered what Laguna said. _How can I keep the ones I love close to me when they're already so far away?_

He sniffed derisively. Laguna was getting to him. _I don't want him to see me like this! But every fucking time, I let him in. What's wrong with me?_ What was it about the guy that made him so damn difficult to refuse?

He rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut. _I'm weak._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_And I can't let that happen again  
'Cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been._

-"Who I am Hates Who I've Been," Relient K

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Until next time,

-peridotaurora


	7. Coming Undone

"Well, your fever's down," Dr. Kadowaki said brusquely, tossing a thermometer in the trash. "That's good. And those pills that I gave you should stop your coughing. If things go as planned, we'll have you out of here tomorrow afternoon."

Squall was going to answer, but he didn't have anything to say. Even if he _did_ get out of here, what was there to go back to? His mood was constantly fluctuating: one minute, he'd desperately want to get out, and the next, he'd desperately want to stay in.

Dr. Kadowaki continued. "I guess you just can't wait to get back in the action, huh? All the time, I hear people talking about how great you are. Guess they must really miss you, huh?"

_Liar_, Squall thought. But he merely said, "Um. Yeah." The perfect reply for anything.

Dr. Kadowaki smoothed his white coat. "Well, my work is done here. You just take that medicine, get plenty of rest, and we'll see about getting you out of here."

Squall rubbed the side of his nose. "Okay."

Dr. Kadowaki left. Squall sat back on the bed. His head would spin if he stood up for too long.

_What day is it?_ He was starting to lose all perception of time. He didn't know how long he had been in here. He ran his hand along his jawline. _I need a shave. And a shower._ He felt as if he was languishing in here, all alone except for a certain pesky, perky man who kept coming in every now and then.

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"Not going to the infirmary today?" Kiros asked.

"No," Laguna replied. "I'm taking a break. I think we've both had enough of each other for now."

Kiros laughed. "That doesn't sound good."

"Oh, no, it's not like that. It's going better now. There's still a lot of ground to cover, though. We'll get there eventually. It's just that there's only so much we both can take before we rip each other's heads off."

"What a healthy, normal relationship," Kiros joked.

Laguna smiled. "Believe me, nothing is normal _or _healthy about this relationship. But is that really so bad?"

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Rinoa was sitting in the quad with Selphie. She smiled and nodded blithely as her friend chattered on about whatever happened to enter her brain. As much as she wanted to (and God, she wanted to), she couldn't lose herself in whatever Selphie was saying.

Selphie stopped her twittering abruptly. "What's the matter, Rin?"

"Nothing!" Rinoa said quickly. Too quickly.

Selphie narrowed her eyes shrewdly. "Something happened with you and Squall, didn't it?"

"What? _No_," Rinoa said forcibly.

"I'm not stupid. Everybody thinks I am, but I'm not. Nobody makes you more upset than he does. And besides," Selphie added. "You're not wearing the necklace."

"Oh." _Duh._

"Well, gosh! No wonder you're so sad. I'm sorry, Rin!" Selphie wailed, immediately reverting back to herself.

"It's no problem, Selph." _Really_.

Selphie was about to respond, when a shadow was cast over the two friends. They looked up to see Seifer Almasy standing over them.

"What do _you _want?" Selphie asked immediately.

"Clear off, would you, Tilmitt? I wanna talk to Rinoa for a second."

Selphie scowled, but obliged. Rinoa shifted uneasily. Whatever Seifer had to tell her couldn't possibly be good.

"Hey," he said, flopping down lazily next to her. "I heard about you and Leonhart."

_What's up with this place? Why does everyone have to know everybody else's business?_ Rinoa felt like shouting, but she merely said, "Yeah. What about it?"

"Well. I just wanted to know," Seifer continued indignantly. "If you were OK."

_Why does SEIFER want to know if I'm OK? Since when does he care?_ "I'm fine," she said. She looked down at her knees. Why did tears have to be coming to her eyes now? _Why_?

"That's crap. He really let you down hard, didn't he? What a jerk."

"Hey--" Rinoa started to say irritably, but Seifer kept going.

"He's insane. He should've treated you better. _Any _other guy would've treated someone like you better. I mean, it's _you_. You're pretty, smart, funny…Leonhart must be nuts."

Rinoa blushed. She couldn't help it. _I'm not immune to flattery…_

She was all set to tell Seifer to get his sleazy, manipulative ass out of her personal space when he leaned in and kissed her in front of everyone in the quad.

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Quistis came to visit Squall late in the afternoon. "They tell me you're getting better," she said by way of greeting.

"Yeah. What brings you here?"

She didn't answer him for a long time. Finally, she said, "Would you want me to tell you the truth? Even if it hurts?"

Squall was taken aback. "Um…yes?" He wasn't so sure anymore.

Quistis curled a long lock of her blond hair around her finger, a nervous habit very uncharacteristic of her. "I was in the quad, and I saw Seifer and Rinoa."

"…so?"

"Together," Quistis said impatiently. "Squall, they were kissing."

Squall sat silently, letting the shock and anger wash over him in waves. It felt like something was gnawing at his insides.

"Please tell me that you're the slightest bit upset," Quistis said, facing the wall and trying to compose herself.

"Why should I be upset? We're not together anymore," Squall said evenly. "She can do whatever she wants now."

Quistis whirled around, her face angry. "Squall! What is _wrong _with you?"

"What? Why are you getting so upset?"

She gripped his shoulders suddenly, trying to make him see. "Why _aren't _you upset? You love her! And now she's with _Seifer_, of all people! Why doesn't this make you _angry_?" The furious expression on his instructor's face was scaring Squall.

Squall blinked and said, "You _want_ me to be angry?"

Quistis released Squall and paced around the room restlessly. "I just hate it when you pretend that you don't care. You _do_ care. Why can't you show it? You can't honestly expect us to believe that you're just fine and dandy about all this."

"I'm not," Squall argued. "Fine. I feel awful, OK? I feel beyond horrible. But what'll that do? Being angry isn't going to change anything."

"It shows that you're not completely immune to human emotion," Quistis corrected. "It shows that you're not a complete _robot_. What you're doing, Squall--it's not healthy."

"I know that," Squall snapped. "What do you expect me to do about it?" He was feeling moody and unreasonable. He hated arguing with Quistis.

"What do you think? Do _something_. Go get her back. You're Commander Squall Leonhart! What's stopping you from showing us your big comeback?"

"You were never very good at giving motivational speeches, Quistis," Squall said wryly.

Quistis smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. "That's why I'm only an instructor. But seriously. Do something. If you don't, you're just gonna rot in here."

Squall laughed humorlessly. "Aren't I rotting already?"

Quistis narrowed her eyes. "Is this all a joke to you? What you lost…don't you want to get any of it back?" She didn't wait for an answer. She turned and started heading for the door.

"Of course I do!" he shouted at her retreating back.

He turned angrily to the wall. His hand was itching for his Lionheart; he wanted to take it and swing at something. The "something" he had in mind now was Seifer's fat head.

_Ugh_. It was _just_ like Seifer to move in on Rinoa like that. _Or maybe…_

Maybe Rinoa had _wanted _it. Just to spite Squall. _NO. I have to stop thinking like this. Damn you, Quistis. Now you have me thinking like a horrible person._

He put his head in his hands. He couldn't stop thinking. He couldn't erase the mental picture of Seifer, _Seifer_ kissing Rinoa. Would she smile that tender half-smile that she always did whenever Squall kissed her?

Something jolted in his body at the thought. He hated it. He hated the thought of _anyone _touching Rinoa other than him. He clutched Griever. The very thought made his whole body ache. _I wish I could just turn my mind off…_

His head spun, he became short of breath, he felt nauseous. He knew what it was immediately: a panic attack. All he could do was grip the side of the bed and wait for it to pass.

_It's not fair_, he thought, gasping for breath. It wasn't fair that he had to be so weak. Immediately, the darker part of his mind answered him:

_Life's not fair._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"He kissed you? Oh, gross! That is so gross. I am going to kick his ass. I swear, Rinoa, don't try to stop me, 'cause he cannot do that to you!"

Selphie looked like the picture of childish indignation: little mouth pouted, hands on hips. Rinoa would've laughed had she not felt totally shattered.

"Selph…" she wailed. "You don't understand." Tears bubbled over, and her chest heaved.

"Just look how much he's hurt you! Oh, he's soooo dead!"

"Selphie, listen!" she cried. "I…I…"

"You what?"

"I kissed him back," Rinoa whispered, like a little girl. "He kissed me and I kissed him back. I didn't try to stop him."

For once, Selphie was quiet. She slowly sat down next to her friend. "No…that's not--"

"It is possible. It happened. I feel like shit, but it's what happened," Rinoa said hollowly.

Selphie hugged Rinoa hard. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. Are you OK?" Rinoa's tears soaked her collar.

"No," Rinoa replied thickly. _I'm not OK, because I'm disgusted with myself._

Even though she and Squall weren't together anymore, she felt unfaithful. She imagined the look on his face, if he knew. She imagined him saying, _How could you do this to me?_

She could remember him in every part of her body. His lips on her neck, his fingers in her hair. She tried to cleanse herself of her memories, but it wasn't working.

"I love him," she whispered tearfully. It was the painful truth; the words came so easily.

"I know," Selphie said comfortingly, and she didn't have to ask who Rinoa was talking about.

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-peridotaurora


	8. Beauty in the Breakdown

Exquisitely sorry about the long delay. Between Driver's Ed, finals, and all sorts of mishaps, it literally took me weeks to write this. Gah.

Well, anywho, read away! This took me forever and a lot of effort.

* * *

_Verum dispeream nisi amo._

_I am lost if I do not love._

_-_Catullus

* * *

_I just need to get CLEAN._

Squall was standing over the sink, scrubbing hard at the skin on his arms. There was no shower in this tiny room, but he could compensate by scouring every inch of skin he could reach.

He looked awful-he just knew it. He had even lost weight in the few days that he had been here. _I can't help it. I just don't feel like eating anymore._ The way that his hipbone jutted through his pants disgusted him.

His hand instinctively flew to his face. He couldn't do much about the stubble on his chin…but that couldn't be helped. It irritated his usually-smooth skin and made it itch.

The soap made a thick lather on his hands. He wanted it to wash everything away. He wanted it to burn in his eyes – _anything_. Anything other than this awful feeling of squalor that lay about him.

There was a knock on the door. "Squall. Hey! Open up! It's me!" It was Irvine.

"Come in!" Squall hollered, rinsing off the heavy layer of soap on his hands. He walked to the bed and flopped down onto it.

Irvine entered cautiously. "Hi."

"Hey. Sorry I look like hell," Squall said apologetically.

Irvine shrugged, neither acknowledging nor denying it. Squall realized for the first time how utterly feminine Irvine looked. It was something about the way his hair curled around his face, or the way that he tipped his head when he was listening to someone talk.

"I notice you're speaking to me again," Squall said suddenly.

Irvine looked surprised at first, then relaxed and smiled. "You don't leave much to subtlety."

"I never have. It's not my job," Squall replied coolly.

"Don't I know it?" Irvine said, grinning. "Anyway, I'm not here to argue about whether you're subtle or not. I guess you've heard about…?"

"Yes," Squall interrupted quickly. He didn't want to hear anybody talk about Rinoa now.

Irvine didn't speak for a while. "She's not doing too well," was all he could say.

"She can join the club," Squall said bitterly. If Irvine was just looking for a happy reunion, he could get lost.

Irvine looked at Squall incredulously. "You really don't care? Wow. It's that bad, huh?"

"Let's talk about something else."

"Huh! You'll never change. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were hiding something," Irvine said dryly.

Squall outstretched his arms, trying to appear carefree and failing. "I've got nothing to hide."

Irvine gave a short bark of a laugh. "Yeah, OK, Leonhart. Whatever you say. Anyway, about Rinoa…why don't you want to hear about her?"

Squall rolled his eyes. "You know what? Fine. Say whatever you want. Nothing that you say can hurt me."

Irvine's eyes flashed. "That's where you're wrong. Sometimes, words can hurt the most."

Squall blinked. "And this remarkable flash of insight came from…where?"

Irvine ignored that comment. "I just think that you guys should talk, OK? Is that such a horrible concept? I mean…you know, you should try to fix things."

"It can't be fixed."

"That's the spirit," Irvine said sarcastically. "Seriously, though. At least get some closure or _something_."

"What's to close? Everything's closed already."

Irvine looked heavenward. "Agh! You're such a head case. If you want me to go so badly, I'll just go." He made a dramatic show of striding to the door indignantly.

"Wait, come back. I didn't mean it. You know that," Squall said before Irvine left. "I _have_ missed you guys. A lot."

Irvine walked back, mock-scowling. "Way to show it, you crazy bastard."

"That's my name, don't wear it out. Anyway…what have you guys been up to since I've been locked up here?"

"Oh, you know. Paperwork. Drilling. Bodily restraining Selphie so she wouldn't go medieval on Seifer's ass."

Squall let out a small smile, despite himself. "You should've let her."

"Oh, I would have, except for it might actually be my fault if she gets hurt," Irvine said brightly. "Can't be too careful, can we?"

Squall opened his mouth in mock-surprise. "Irvy!" he said, using Selphie's nickname for him. "You're being so…_sentimental_!"

"Everybody knows I'm a sweetheart. You, on the other hand, are impossible."

"Glad to see that you have so much respect for me," Squall replied wryly. He was enjoying this.

"God. You can be so annoying sometimes. Anyway, I didn't really come to bitch at you, as fun as it may be." Irvine paused. "Ellone's memorial service is in two days. Are you coming?"

"No," Squall said immediately.

Irvine looked at Squall as if he was an alien. "You're not? _Why_?"

_The funeral was hard enough!_ Squall wanted to say. Instead, he just said, "I don't think I'll be better by then."

"Bullshit. You're getting out today. Quistis told me," Irvine said, frowning. "I can't _believe _you're not going to go to your own sister's memorial service."

"I can't, OK?" Squall said harshly. "I can't and I'm not."

"You're unbelievable," Irvine said softly. "I can't believe you'd do something like that…"

Squall looked away, at anything but Irvine's face so he wouldn't have to see the look of consternation and disappointment that Irvine was wearing.

Irvine, realizing that it was a lost cause, rose and headed to the door. "She would have wanted you to be there," he said quietly.

"Don't you _dare_ try to speak for her," Squall growled.

Irvine's eyebrows shot up. Squall had never spoken to him like this.

"What happened to you?" Irvine said, almost inaudibly. Without waiting for an answer, he left.

After Irvine was gone, Squall had another panic attack. A nurse came in, recognized the symptoms, and screamed for a doctor.

_I'm being punished for something. I just know it…

* * *

_

"I'm sorry, Squall. We're going to have to keep you for at least another day, until we find out what's causing these panic attacks," Dr. Kadowaki sighed.

"Okay," Squall replied, picking at the loose skin around his thumbnail. His face was blank.

Dr. Kadowaki paused and leaned forward. "Squall, I've known you for a long time. Has something been happening that may be the cause of these panic attacks? Something that disturbs you?"

Squall didn't answer her. Dr. Kadowaki sighed again and smiled. "Maybe you're right. That isn't my field." She got up. "I'm going now, but I'll be back later, alright?"

Squall shrugged, indicating that he didn't much care one way or the other. Dr. Kadowaki exited, shutting the door with a gentle click.

_Irvine was right. I am impossible.

* * *

_

"How's my little invalid doing today?" Laguna said happily, striding into Squall's room.

Squall frowned. He wasn't in the mood. Not today.

"I hear you're getting out today. That's good to hear, huh?"

"No. They're keeping me in another day," Squall said sourly.

Laguna's smile fell off immediately. "They are? Why? What's the matter?"

Squall bit the inside of his cheek. "Um…"

Laguna leaned forward, eyes intent. "What happened?" he said slowly.

Squall looked up, a twisted smile on his face. "I think I'm losing my mind, if you wanna know the truth. But that doesn't come as much of a surprise to anybody, does it?"

"That's a heavy assumption to make," Laguna said, raising an eyebrow.

"I've been having panic attacks, alright? That's why they're keeping me in here," Squall said bluntly.

Laguna could sense that Squall wasn't telling him something. "Do you know…_why_ you're having the panic attacks?" he asked quietly.

"No," Squall said quickly. Too quickly.

Laguna frowned. "I know that you know the reason. Tell me why you're having the panic attacks."

"I'm not telling you anything," Squall said loudly.

Laguna sat back and sighed, furrowing his eyebrows. "I thought I had gotten somewhere with you," he said with frustration.

This was apparently the wrong thing to say. Squall sat up. "Let's get something straight, Laguna. I am not some _project_ that you can _work on_. I'm not some hopeless soul that only you can save. This isn't like some fucking thing where you pull me up from the depths of despair. This isn't like that. So don't even try."

Squall was yelling by now. A nurse, hearing the noise, burst in. "Is everything all right in here?"

"_Yes_," Laguna and Squall both said loudly. The nurse, looking bewildered, left.

There was a long silence. The ticking of the clock seemed to grow louder and louder. "Keep yelling at me, it might be good for you," Laguna said at last.

It just made Squall even angrier. Why did everybody have to keep doing this? _Talk to me, it'll make you feel better. So, Squall, how do you feel? _Everybody wanted to be let in when all Squall wanted to do was retreat inside himself.

Laguna was so maddeningly calm. "You want to change the subject? Alright. We're having a memorial service for Ellone in two days. Do you think you'll be out in time?"

Squall groaned inwardly. _Not this again_. "Um…I don't really know. I mean, it's hard to say, right?" he lied. He didn't think he could take another round of aghast looks and the _I can't believe you_'s.

Laguna shrugged. "I don't know. I think that part's up to you. Whether or not you decide to get better."

"You think I _want_ to be here? You think I chose this?"

Laguna glanced at his son. "Honestly? Yes. I think that you don't wanna deal. I think you're trying to hide from everybody. I've learned that from talking with you for the last couple days."

"Want a medal?" Squall replied sullenly, trying to hide how very close to the mark Laguna was.

Laguna couldn't help smiling triumphantly. "So you're saying I'm right?" _Yes. I've finally done SOMETHING right,_ Laguna thought.

"I never said anything like that. We've known each other for less than a _week._ You think you know me?"

"Not nearly as much as I want to know you," Laguna answered. "But I can put two and two together. I'm _not_ nearly as clueless as you think I am."

"Are you trying to make me respect you based on what you know about me? Because it's not working," Squall shot back. He was being horrible, and he knew it.

Laguna laughed mirthlessly. "Well, I can honestly say that you're not making it very easy."

"Then why do you do it?"

Laguna didn't answer. Finally, he said, "Are you _used_ to people giving up on you?"

"_What_? What are you talking about?"

"Do you do this to people…just to skip the process of people leaving and hurting you?" Laguna persisted.

"_No_. Are you crazy?" Squall had the uncomfortable feeling of being trapped. _Where_ did Laguna figure all of this out?

"No. I've just…done a lot of thinking since we saw each other for the last time," admitted Laguna. He loved the way that this all came together, like a puzzle. _I've figured you out. Don't deny it._

"No one can hurt me like that," Squall said fiercely.

"Are you sure?" Laguna asked. It was unsettling - Squall rather missed the old, inept Laguna instead of this Laguna who was disturbingly knowledgeable. "You wanna know what I think?"

"No."

"I think that you're staying away from Ellone's memorial service on purpose," Laguna continued, ignoring Squall's comment.

_Smashing job, Sherlock. Your brilliance amazes me. _"Do you, now?" Squall said dully.

"Yeah. I think that you're too scared of being hurt again."

"Well, you're wrong," Squall answered savagely, even though Laguna was half-right.

Laguna blinked. "Oh. Well then, why _are _you not going? Don't you think she would want you there? Wouldn't you want her to come to your memorial if _you _died?"

"I'm so _sick_ of people saying this to me. It's my choice, OK?"

"If this is your way of healing, then you're worse off than I thought," Laguna said, unexpectedly harsh.

If the words hurt Squall, he didn't show any sign. Instead, he smiled painfully. "Yeah, that's me. Your twisted, unfortunate little mental patient. Happy?"

Laguna winced. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just trying to help here, OK? I'm just trying to…figure you out," he finished lamely.

"Why does everybody have to try to 'figure me out'?" Squall blurted.

"Why does it bother you so much?" Laguna asked.

"Because it's none of their business," Squall said coolly. "It's nobody's business but mine."

Laguna just stared at his son for a while. "I don't get it. You have friends, don't you? Are you just this difficult for me, or did they have to go through this too?"

"I'm not saying that they got off scot-free. I gotta say, though, you are pretty damn persistent."

"Your mother was, too," Laguna said, grinning. "It runs in the family. It got pretty ugly sometimes, when we butted heads."

Squall looked down. He felt so strange whenever Laguna mentioned Raine. _I never knew her, but she's such an important part of me._ He vaguely wondered what life would be like if she was still around.

"She drowned, right?" Squall said suddenly. There was a haunting hunger in the icy eyes.

"Yes," Laguna answered grimly. "But I didn't find out until years later."

Squall looked at his hands. "She drowned because of me," he confessed.

Laguna looked at him incredulously. "_What_? Where did you get that from? You were only a baby…"

"She wouldn't have died if it wasn't for me," Squall said quietly. "She died saving me. So do the math."

"Squall," Laguna said sternly. The furrow between his eyebrows felt deep as a ditch. _I'm too young to be getting wrinkles already_. "That's ridiculous. You have no right to be blaming this on yourself, OK? Are you just doing this to get attention or something?"

The look that Squall gave his father was so filthy that it could have curdled milk. "You have no idea, so why don't you keep your mouth shut?"

Laguna felt like kicking something. _We are getting absolutely NOWHERE today_. "Well, why _would _I have any idea? That's what I'm _trying_ to do here. And if you would just _let_ me…"

"Well, what if I don't want to?" Squall cut in coldly.

Laguna suppressed a groan of frustration in his hands. Then, he said, "Why do you do this?"

"Do what?" Squall asked, even though he knew perfectly well what Laguna was talking about.

"Do _this. _Fight so hard to keep me out. Why?"

Squall leaned back, putting his hands behind his head as if he was relaxing on some tropical island. "Well, that's simple. Why do I try so hard to keep you out? Because I don't want you _in,_" he said mysteriously.

"But why?"

"Everybody has secrets," Squall replied simply.

"This isn't just a secret, Squall. This is something…this is something that's hurting you from the inside. I get the feeling that no one's seen the real you yet."

Squall gave him another look. "And how would you know that?"

Laguna ignored him. "I'm just saying…when are you going to show people who you really are?"

"That's my decision," Squall answered aggressively.

Laguna paused. _I need a new angle here. This is getting impossible._ Finally, he decided to pull another trick. "Would you want her to see you like this?"

Squall didn't look up. "Which her?" he said, almost inaudibly. "Ellone or Mom?"

"Does it matter?" Laguna asked gently. "Would you want either of them to see you like this?"

"Don't go there," Squall said, still dangerously quiet.

"Would you want them to see you--isolated, not letting anyone help you? Would they like what they saw? What do you think they would _say_?"

"_Back off_," Squall said louder. Laguna noted with shock that his son's eyes were wet.

"I-I'm sorry," Laguna stammered. "I didn't mean to…"

"I don't need this right now," Squall muttered. "Can you leave?"

"I…alright," Laguna said, still stunned. "I'll be back, though, OK?"

"See if I care," Squall grumbled, even though he did care very, very much.

* * *

_WHAT am I doing WRONG?_

Laguna stood with his forehead against the wall in the Balamb infirmary hallway two hours later, knocking his head against it. _Think, think, think_.

"Are you trying to think of something? Because I don't think that killing your brain cells is going to help," he heard a familiar voice say dryly.

"Hello, Kiros," Laguna said, mid-bang. "How did you know I was here?"

Kiros sighed impatiently. "I've been looking for you _all day_. You've got _three_ meetings, and you have a hopping mad dignitary on your hands. Have you been here the whole time?"

"Yes," Laguna confessed.

"You are more bull-headed than I ever could have imagined," Kiros said, half awe-struck. "You still haven't managed to crack the kid by now?"

"I'm not _cracking_ him," Laguna said, scandalized. "I'm just…doing some digging. But it's really hard. This is consuming me. I can't even _sleep_ at night because I'm trying to figure this all out."

Kiros was puzzled. "Laguna, I've never seen you this dedicated to _anything_. What happened to you? I bust my butt every day trying to get you to focus on _one _thing. And now…I can't get you to concentrate on anything else but this."

Laguna was hardly listening. "Hey, Kiros, what does it mean when somebody refuses to let anyone know what's wrong with them?"

Kiros threw his hands up in an "I-give-up" gesture. "You're unbelievable!"

"No, seriously, Kiros, help me. I think I've got something, but I just can't figure out what to do next…" Laguna implored.

Kiros sighed again and flopped against the wall next to his friend. "I dunno…they don't think anyone understands?"

"Well, I could've told you _that,_ Kiros," Laguna pointed out flatly.

"Do you want my help or not?"

"Alright, alright, keep going," Laguna said, waving his hand and laughing. He was enjoying this.

Kiros leaned his head against the wall and thought. "Um…guilt, I guess. That makes sense, right? They feel so guilty about something that they think that it's unmentionable? I don't know…"

"Oh, that's _it!_ Kiros, you're a genius. I'm giving you a raise. Or something," Laguna cried, before starting to run down the hallway towards Squall's room. "I'll be back! Don't schedule any more meetings for today, alright? I'll get back to the other ones, I promise!" he shouted behind his back.

"Ha!" Kiros barked. "That'll be the day…"

* * *

"I'm ba-ack," Laguna sang as he entered the room again. "Feeling alright?" 

Squall didn't reply.

Laguna took his usual spot in the chair at the desk. "Look, about what I said before…I really am sorry. It was out of line, OK?"

Squall still didn't answer, just gave a curt nod.

Laguna took a deep breath. "I'm not finished yet. Can I say something?"

Squall smiled wryly. "Does it matter if I mind?"

"No," Laguna said truthfully. "Because I need to say this." He fiddled with a button on his jacket sleeve before continuing.

"You wouldn't believe how much I've learned from all of this, Squall. I mean, before I did all this, before I found out about you…I was so clueless. I think you were right about me. I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to pretend to be. But _you_…this is so hard to describe. You look so much like _her,_ and it scared me at first. But I didn't know it was ever possible to feel this way about anyone. I guess when you have kids you'll understand. But anyway. That's not the point. The point is…I've never wanted to _help_ somebody more. You could be so great. You're such a good guy, better than I am. And this is why I don't think you should feel any guilt about your mother, Ellone, or anybody else that you think you might have a connection with…"

Laguna laid a hand on Squall's arm. Squall recoiled but didn't move away. "What are you getting at here…?" Squall started to say.

"I know, Squall. I know how guilt feels. I felt it, too…after Raine died. I kept thinking 'If I had been there, this wouldn't have happened.' And I was right: it _was _my fault. But it's normal to feel stuff like that. It's called survivor's guilt. Everybody feels it after someone they love dies. But I don't understand," he said, leaning closer to Squall. "What makes you think that Ellone's death was your fault?"

Squall twisted the blanket in his hands. "You know that bus that she died in?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Well…she was visiting me. I…sent her a note that asked her to come here and explain some things."

Laguna gave him an exasperated look. "You draw the faintest connections, I swear…these things_ aren't your fault_."

"No, really," Squall persisted. "I just feel like my curiosity is to blame. You know, it was just a horrible coincidence. I delayed on sending the letter, because I had a feeling that something bad would happen. And…look what happened! How could I ever feel curious about anything again?"

Laguna's chin was in his hands. "What was in this letter that made you so cautious? What was so special about it?"

Squall thought about it for a while and laughed humorlessly. "It was about…you," he said finally.

"Me?"

"Well, not _you_ specifically. I wanted to know about myself. I wanted to know where I came from, where my parents were, who I _was_. I wanted Ellone to tell me all that."

Laguna leaned back and started chuckling. Squall stared at him in disbelief.

"What's so funny?"

Laguna grinned at his son. "D'you believe in fate, Squall?"

"I… guess," Squall said. "Why?"

"Because…" Laguna said dreamily. "That's how this all happened. No matter what you did that day, Ellone would have died. Even if Ellone didn't die, I still would have found you. Nothing can stop life's course. It's just like what Ellone learned: nothing can change time. What will be…will be, and all we can do is go along with it."

Squall was silent, his chest heaving. _That doesn't make it hurt any less…it doesn't account for the fact that I'll never see Ellone again_.

"I know that you're sorry," Laguna said softly. "I know that you feel terrible. But I don't think that anyone taught you how to deal with losing people. I think you've been grieving for your whole life. Let me help you. We can both make this easier for each other."

Squall didn't even seem to be listening. He was merely staring off into space, fingering the heavy pendant around his neck. "Years ago," he whispered. "She left me. They never told me why."

Laguna hadn't the faintest idea what Squall was talking about, but he didn't interrupt. He wanted to see where this went.

"I never found out where she went until about a year ago. I thought it was my fault she left. I was only a little kid."

Squall's face was blank, his voice expressionless. It was like he wasn't really there and someone was speaking _through _him.

"Squall, what--"

"I mean," Squall interrupted. He still wouldn't look at Laguna. "Why wouldn't they tell me? After they saw what it did to me? It's not fucking fair."

"Squall…"

"I was still surrounded by people. All of the kids at the orphanage: Selphie, Zell, all of them. But it was the loneliest I've ever been. Except for now."

Laguna leaned back, closed his eyes, and started fitting things together. But just when he thought he had it, Squall started talking again.

"Everything changed within the last year. I love people. But it hurts to love people."

"Love is mostly pain, Squall," Laguna said sagely.

Laguna could see that his son was breaking down. After days of sickness and weakness and being plagued by his father, his son was slowly losing his resolve. His stony exterior was dissolving. And Laguna knew that the person coming out of it was fragile and hurt.

"Why am I _telling _you all this?" Squall murmured, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache or if he was trying to stop tears.

"Because you're hurting, and you're tired of being lonely. You want someone to reach out to you no matter how much you keep pushing them away," Laguna said immediately.

"But…the thing is…you wanna know what the thing is?" Squall said, half laughing. He sounded manic and his voice was breaking. "The lonelier I get, the farther I alienate myself. What is up with _that_?"

At the "_that_," a tear escaped and slid down Squall's cheek. He wiped it off immediately and glared at the moisture on his hand as if it had betrayed him.

_I've done it_, Laguna thought, breathing hard. _Holy hell, I've done it._

"Everyone's right," Squall said bitterly. "I am _so _crazy."

"It's a sign of brilliance," Laguna whispered, still awe-struck.

Very slowly, Laguna enveloped his son in a flimsy, one-armed hug. Squall twitched, but didn't pull away. He grudgingly allowed his father to embrace him, head bowed.

_It's odd_, Squall was thinking. _We're like magnets. Fate brings us together, no matter what the circumstances. No matter how much it sucks, or how much we want something else to happen, people are pulled to each other._

"I hate myself," Squall muttered into the material of Laguna's shirt.

"We'll fix that," Laguna said softly. "For now, this is all we need."

_This is all we need._ Squall was already thinking of the future. He would get his friends back and say that he was sorry for being such a jerk. He would tell Rinoa that he loved her. Maybe he would go rearrange Seifer's face.

But now, this was all he needed.

* * *

_Tough_

_You think you've got the stuff._

_You're telling me and everyone you're hard enough_

_You don't have to put up a fight._

_You don't have to always be right._

_Let me take some of the punches for you tonight._

-"Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own" by U2

* * *

Tah-dah. There's probably at least one more chapter of this. Hopefully, it won't take as long. TTFN. 


	9. Regaining Control

Disclaimer: I don't own any more than I did in the first chapter.

Last chapter, guys. Ready? GO!

* * *

_In many ways, _

_I miss the good old days_

_Someday, someday._

_And it hurts to say,_

_But I want you to stay_

_Sometimes, sometimes._

-"Someday" by the Strokes

* * *

**Diamond**

**Chapter Nine**

"I still don't understand this miraculous recovery of yours," Dr. Kadowaki said, trying to be stern, but failing. "Just yesterday, you were looking like a terminal patient. Now, you're suddenly alright again?"

Squall shrugged, smiling slightly.

"Always mysterious," she sighed, shaking her head. "Care to explain it?"

"I guess you could say that I got my ass in gear," Squall replied vaguely.

Dr. Kadowaki threw her head back and laughed. "Well, that'll do it. I wish all my patients could discover your philosophy. But then I'd be out of a job, wouldn't I? Anyway, open your mouth, please."

She took his temperature and his heartbeat. When both were deemed satisfactory, she threw the thermometer away and said, "Well, looks like I can't keep you in here anymore. You're free to go whenever you want."

"Alright," Squall said. "I'm still kinda waiting for someone, though."

"Take all the time you need," Dr. Kadowaki said.

* * *

"You're still here? They kept saying that you were released," Laguna said to his son, cocking an eyebrow.

"If you thought I was gone, why did you still come here?" Squall mused.

Laguna thought, shrugged, and smiled. "I don't know. You tell me."

"Well, as a matter of fact, I was waiting for you. I'm gonna leave real soon," Squall said. He stood up from the bed. Laguna suddenly noticed how very tall he was.

"Thank you. Just…thanks. For everything," Squall asserted. "I know I'm a pain in the ass to deal with, but…you did good." He stuck out his hand for Laguna to shake.

Laguna gamely shook his hand, but then pulled Squall into a surprise hug. "Are you coming today?" he asked quietly.

Squall took a deep breath. "…Yeah," he said with difficulty.

Laguna smiled. "I'm proud of you. I know it's not easy. Not everything's gonna be easy."

"Yeah," Squall said again.

It was still stiff. It was still awkward. Laguna wasn't worried. _Take it slow. This will take time_.

Laguna turned to go, feeling light-hearted. "I'll see you later today."

"Laguna."

"Yeah?" Laguna turned back around.

Squall nodded solemnly. "Keep in touch."

"I will," Laguna answered. He decided to try something again. "Call me Dad."

Squall paused. "I still don't think I'm ready for that. Not now," he said finally.

"I understand," Laguna said heavily.

"I'm sorry," Squall said apologetically.

Laguna smiled and shook his head. "We'll get there. We still have lots of time to get there."

* * *

_I am going to Ellone's memorial service. I AM going…_

Squall had to repeat this in his head to really cement the fact that he was going to go, and that there wasn't any way out of it.

_But I don't want to…_

_No! I'm going_!

He was finally in his own room, finally out of the infirmary. He stood in his shower, letting the scalding drops of water pound him. He wanted it all to wash away from him: sickness, weakness, guilt.

He suddenly realized how similar this was to when he was standing and crying in the rain. He had wanted to be absolved, and he had fainted. And now here he was, several days later, wanting the water to penetrate him, wanting to be cleansed.

It struck him as such a coincidence that he had to laugh._ Hell, I really am cracked…_

His eyes were fixed on the water swirling down the drain. He really just wanted to go back to bed. _No, that was the end of that. This is the beginning._

The memorial service was at 3:00. It was now 11:06 A.M. Squall now felt the dull monotony of someone who doesn't have anything to do with himself.

_No_, he thought suddenly. _I do have something to do with myself._

_I just don't think I can do it.

* * *

_

"Oh, hi, Laguna! Did you have a nice, relaxing stroll? I'm _so_ glad that it didn't occur to you that you might have a week's worth of WORK to do!" Kiros said acidly when Laguna entered the office later.

"Good morning to you too, Kiros," Laguna said pleasantly.

"It happens to be the afternoon, now. Can we just get started? It'll probably take me all night to tell you all the stuff you have to do…"

"Kiros, I _can't_ do any of that stuff today, because I have a memorial service to go to, remember?"

Kiros groaned and looked heavenward. "I forgot. Damn. We're really fucked now…"

"The memorial comes first. Sorry, Kiros."

"Yeah, alright," Kiros grumbled. He tossed some paper work back onto the desk. "So, how's your son?"

"Good. Really good. He's coming today. Are you?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"That's good," Laguna said happily "Everything's good now…"

Kiros looked at him strangely and then laughed. "Look at you. You've been so busy running around and making your son see the light that you've forgotten to be sad about Ellone."

"Don't be ridiculous, Kiros. I haven't forgotten about her, and I don't plan to. But I have to admit…" Laguna sighed. "This does make it a lot easier."

_Where did the REAL Laguna go? _Kiros thought. Here was a man with shadows under his eyes, who looked like he had seen more than enough. The Laguna that Kiros knew was so bright and full of naivete.

"What's the matter with you?" Kiros demanded impatiently.

Laguna laughed. "Way to cut to the chase. I'm _fine_, thanks. And...shit. _Shit_." Laguna pressed his hand to his mouth in horror. "I sound just like him."

"What?"

"Oh _man_…" Laguna said, rubbing his temples.

Kiros sighed again. "You're tired and stressed out. Take an aspirin and go home."

"No, I can't. I've got a dead niece, a memorial to organize _for_ that dead niece, a son who might not even _come_, and even if he does come, he might not deal well. And plus, I've got all the other stuff that _you_ want me to do…To tell you the truth, I feel shabby, but we've got stuff to do. I'll take an aspirin, though…"

Laguna forced down two blue pills, and fiercely hoped that they would get rid of the intense foreboding in his stomach.

* * *

"This seat taken?" Squall could have kicked himself for how stupid the words sounded.

His friends glanced up at him from their usual table in the quad. "Depends," Zell said at last. "Ready to stop being a jerk?"

Selphie elbowed him and hissed, "_Zell_!"

"It's a fair question," Zell said stubbornly.

"Yeah, I think I am," Squall said smoothly, ignoring Selphie. Zell looked down and muttered, "Good for you." Squall took that as an "ok."

Rinoa tensed up noticeably as he took his usual seat next to her, but said nothing and kept her face expressionless. Squall's face burned.

"Um…so, how are you?" Selphie said nervously.

"I'm good, Selphie," he replied. He hated this. The robotic replies to robotic questions. He wanted to scream, _I'm fucking sorry, OK? _But he didn't think that it would go over very well…

"Are you going to…" Irvine started, but trailed off when he remembered Squall's reaction to the question last time.

"Um…I mean, _yes._" He had to get it through to himself as well as others.

Irvine's eyes widened slightly. "Oh. Really?"

Squall nodded and squirmed. The way that they were all avoiding his gaze was painful. "Look," he blurted. "I'm sorry that I was an asshole and whatnot. It was stupid of me to think that I didn't need you guys, OK? 'Cause the truth is, I kinda do."

"What? Do my ears deceive me?" Irvine said immediately, his eyes dancing.

"_Don't_ make me say it again," Squall said irritably.

Selphie cupped her ear with her hand and leaned across the table. "Uh-oh, I don't think I heard you, Squall! Better say it again!"

"Squall getting 'mushy'…well, looks like the world's come to an end," Zell teased.

His friends were teasing him again, just like old times. Squall didn't know whether to be intensely relieved or annoyed.

The mood relaxed considerably after that. "Hey, why was Laguna Loire here so much? He went into the infirmary practically every day! Did you see him, Squall?" Zell said, energetically devouring his hot dog.

"Uh…" _Ah, fuck it._ "Yes. Because he's actually… he's my dad."

Zell choked on his hot dog. "You're joking!"

"No _way_!" Selphie squealed, and even Rinoa dropped her Ice Queen façade and had a look of astonishment on her face. "_You, _the president's son? That's _sooo_ cool!"

"When did you find out?" Irvine demanded. "Why didn't you tell us, man?"

"I didn't know," Squall answered, half-laughing.

"Jeez…how could Laguna be related to you? He's so cool, and you're…_you_!" Zell joked.

"Thanks, Zell," Squall said sarcastically.

"Sucks that you didn't inherit his looks," Selphie said wistfully. Squall cringed.

"Hey!" Irvine said indignantly.

"Oh, quiet, now you know how it feels to be jealous for once!" she said coyly.

"_For once_? Oh, Selph, don't get me started!"

While they bickered in the background, Squall took this opportunity to whisper "Can we talk?" in Rinoa's ear.

Rinoa didn't look at him and shook her head fiercely. "Not now."

Selphie took a break from arguing with Irvine to notice them. "Uh-oh! Want us to leave you guys alone?"

Squall said, "Yes," and Rinoa said, "No." Inside, Squall was agonizing. She had begged him to talk to her before, and he had turned her away. Now, he ached to talk to her, and she wasn't listening.

"We'd better go, guys," Selphie told Irvine and Zell. "We'd better give them some alone time, if you know what I'm saying!" She winked at them. Irvine and Zell got the hint and stood up.

"Selphie…" Rinoa began, but they were already gone. She started to stand up too, but Squall caught her by the wrist. "Don't touch me!" she said with annoyance.

Squall winced. She hadn't ever spoken to him like this. "Rinoa, please."

Rinoa sighed and plopped back down. "Make it fast." She could already predict what he was going to say to her: _I'm sorry, please forgive me, blah blah blah._ She wasn't in the mood, not today.

"Do you like him?" he blurted out. She was caught in the familiar tractor beam of his stare.

"I don't know who you're talking about, Squall," she said coolly.

"Don't give me that. Do you like him?"

"I don't think it's any of your _business_," she shot back. Tears were starting to sting her eyes.

"It _is_ my business. Do you like Seifer Almasy or not?" he demanded, feeling terrible. How could she look at him like he was nothing, after all that they'd been through?

"Huh! Real nice, Squall. It's always nice to have someone who's only concerned about you when you might be interested in another guy!" she said spitefully. "What, was I never good enough for you before other people started to like me? That's what this is all about, huh? That's me. Rinoa, the accessory girl. Not_ important_ enough to pay attention to."

"_No!_ I--oh, fuck." His heart sank. That was _exactly_ what this looked like, and he had only just realized it now.

"I mean, way to drop a girl on her ass. That was fucking harsh, even for you," she said vehemently. Her mascara was starting to run, black tears leaving black tracks all over her cheeks.

"I never--"

"I told you that I loved you," Rinoa interrupted. "That day that you fainted. I told you that I loved you, and you know what you said?" She wiped her face and glared at him through wet eyes. "_Nothing_."

Squall felt sick. _Please, don't let me have another goddamn panic attack…_ "Rinoa, I don't know what to say."

"That's a new one," Rinoa said savagely and started crying again. She hated him for making her so bitter, so hard-hearted.

He kicked at the ground. "I do love you. I do," he said quietly.

"Then why didn't you let me in? Why did you ignore me?" she asked him.

"I wasn't ready. Now I am," he said. "What more do I have to say?"

She made an angry noise and turned away. "I don't want to talk to you anymore,"

He wrapped his arms around her from behind. "I'm sorry. I love you."

"And I hate you."

"No, you don't," he said serenely. He knew her. She was trying to resist, but she didn't want to anymore. _Fate_, he reminded himself. He pressed his lips to her neck.

"Yes I do. Get off," she said, not sounding as impatient as she had before.

"I will if you believe me," he said, smiling. He kissed her neck again. "Better hurry."

"Alright, fine. But you're not completely off the hook, got it?" She hit him playfully. "You did scare me, though. When they took you in. I'll give you that. Ready to tell me what happened yet?"

"It's a long, messed up story. But I promise I'll tell you soon," he said.

She shrugged. "That's progress, I guess."

Squall paused. "Do you like Seifer, Rinoa? You can tell me the truth."

"No, I don't," Rinoa admitted. "That was all just…a bad mistake. Alright? So don't worry about it anymore, got it?"

"Got it."

She paused. "So…Ellone's memorial thing. How bad's it gonna be?"

He sighed. "Pretty bad. But I think…I think I'd be alright if you came," he said.

"I wasn't invited," she pointed out. "I don't think I should come, anyway."

"You'd be my guest," Squall said, nudging her with his shoulder. "Please come."

"I'm not family."

"You're close enough. _Please_ come." This was as close to begging as Squall had ever been.

Rinoa cast her eyes down. "Okay. But this doesn't mean anything. We'll go as friends. That's it."

Squall shrugged. "I'll take it."

It wasn't exactly what they both wanted. But Rinoa didn't want to be too hasty or seem too easy, and Squall was just happy that things were starting to fall back into place.

He felt queasy as he checked the time. It was 2:30.

_It's not too late to chicken out…_the nasty voice in Squall's head whispered. _You think that things will get better? They won't._ _You think you can handle this? You can't. You're not strong enough._

_You never will be.

* * *

_

The service was being held in a stuffy, humid church with an enormously high ceiling. There were 15 rows of wooden pews adorned with white flowers. A small picture frame with a portrait of Ellone inside it was perched on the pulpit.

It was 3:15. Still no Squall. However, there was still enough time for him to be "fashionably late."

Laguna's eyes darted to the door every 5 minutes. It was difficult to do this while maintaining the "I'm-the-friendly-President" show _and_ maintaining the "I'm-the-generous-host" show at the same time.

He shook hands, accepted condolences. 3:43. Still no Squall. "I think you should tell the priest to begin now," Kiros whispered. "He's either coming or he's not."

"Five more minutes," Laguna implored.

The five minutes came and went without their quarry appearing. Cursing under his breath, Laguna gave the priest permission to begin the ceremony.

_I can't believe you let me down like this. I can't believe you let HER down like this…_

His eyes were glued disbelievingly to the door. _Could I really understand one person so little? Let alone my own flesh and blood?_

Kiros nudged him lightly. "Stop zoning out. It doesn't look good. Keep appearances."

Laguna suppressed a frown. It was the "keeping appearances" part that he hated most about the presidency. He hated hiding behind a mask of fake smiles.

Especially when he didn't feel at all like smiling.

He tried to listen to what the priest was saying. When the priest was talking about Ellone's "shining virtues," Laguna saw a little girl of six eating chocolate ice cream and getting her mouth all sticky. When the priest mentioned her "inconquerable spirit," Laguna could just hear her little voice wailing "_Uncle Laguunaa!_" whenever she was angry or had been wronged.

A stab of pain hit him behind the eyes. "Jeez," he whispered inaudibly. Abruptly, he turned to go. Kiros caught him by the arm.

"What are you_ doing_?" he hissed. "Do you have any idea how this _looks_? The dead girl's fucking uncle walking out of her own memorial service?"

"I need to get some air," Laguna muttered softly, pushing past Kiros and walking out of the chapel. Kiros sighed heavily. There was going to be a _lot_ of explaining to do.

Laguna strode through the wet grass to the back of the chapel, where the graveyard was. He scanned the headstones until he found the one he was looking for.

"Hey, Ell," he said quietly, putting a hand on the headstone. He sat down on the soggy grass. The fact that he was in a ridiculously expensive suit didn't seem to matter.

"I guess I messed up, didn't I?" he said. "I wish I could fix what I did wrong. Maybe then, he'd be here now. But it's just like you said. We can't fix time. Even when it hurts."

He scuffed at the dirt with his dreadfully expensive shoes. "He changed me. You both did," he said slowly. "Life doesn't seem so simple anymore. It's not so…_one-sided_…"

He was forced to abruptly end his monologue when he heard footsteps approaching behind him.

"You know, grass stains on your ass don't make for very good mourning attire."

Laguna turned around and looked up into the face of his smirking son. He was accompanied by an unfamiliar girl with big brown eyes and a black dress.

Laguna ignored that comment. "So you came," he said evenly. "I thought you had changed your mind."

"I thought I did, too," Squall confessed. "Kiros told me you were out here. He looked pretty pissed. Oh, um…Rinoa, this is Laguna. I guess you know that already."

"Hi," Rinoa said, flashing a smile and shaking Laguna's hand. She looked _so much_ like Julia…but that was a topic for another time.

"I'm gonna go inside now, okay?" Rinoa asked. Squall nodded.

"Pull up some grass," Laguna offered, gesturing to the space beside him. The dew was seeping in through the material of his pants.

"Not everyone has your salary," Squall answered. He crouched instead. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"

Laguna shook his head. "I don't really know. Actually, no. I do know. That in there," he inclined his head towards the chapel. "That's not a _real_ memorial service. Remembering people can't be done properly in a ungodly hot building with half the people bored to death. That just…sucks," he finished, for lack of a better word.

Squall stared at him. "You know, for once, I actually understand what the hell you're talking about."

"That's good…I think. So anyway, that was Rinoa? She looked nice. You're a lucky man."

"Not really. I'm kinda on probation," he said moodily.

"Why?"

"She's still…not ready for us to be where we were before all _this_ happened," he said, motioning at the tombstone. "She felt betrayed…and she was right."

"Hey," Laguna said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It'll get better. Promise."

Squall's eyes were still fixed on Ellone's gravestone. He had changed so much since he had been here last. In a way, he had gotten what he had wanted, identity and realization, but it had come at an awful price.

His mind was still drifting, so he didn't notice that he had sat down on the grass. "Oh, crap," he said, jumping up.

Laguna laughed. "Loosen up, Commander." Squall hesitated then sat down. "You've come a long way," Laguna said. "I really did think that you decided not to come. I'm proud of you."

Squall shrugged. "I didn't want to come because…there's something about talking about dead people that I hate. I hate it when people refer to the deceased in the past tense. Like they've totally disappeared from our lives. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't wanna hear people talking about what Ellone _was._"

Laguna cocked his head. "You know, I think you're right. She still seems so real to me, and she'll probably never leave either of us."

Squall plucked up a handful of grass and threw it away from him. "I just wish things had gone differently."

"Hey," Laguna said, elbowing him gently. "Remember what I told you about fate."

Squall sighed. "You know, I've thought about that, and I think you're wrong."

Laguna raised his eyebrow. "Really?"

Squall nodded. "Yeah. Life isn't about just floating and letting things come to you. Yeah, there are some inescapable truths. I'll give you that. But you know what? I'm gonna fight for what I want. When shit happens, I'm not just gonna chalk it up to fate. Life shouldn't work that way. I've decided that," he jerked a thumb towards himself. "_I'm_ gonna be the one in control of my own life."

Laguna laughed. That had been the Squall Leonhart version of the Gettysburg Address. "Where did _that_ come from? You should be a motivational speaker."

Squall made a face. "I guess I should go inside now, huh?"

Laguna shook his head. "Even I can't stomach it in there."

Squall stood up. " I have to. There are some things you have to take responsibility for," Squall chided. "Think about that." He brushed off the blades of grass clinging to his pants and started to walk back to the chapel.

Laguna laughed again. _Why is my son more mature than I am? _"Wait. I guess if you're going, I'll go too," Laguna said.

Squall smiled slightly. "I'm proud of you," he teased, echoing his father. "I know it's hard for you to be such an adult."

"Shut up!" Laguna exclaimed, grinning.

They stopped when they reached the immense oak doors of the chapel. Both were hesitating to go in.

Laguna turned to his son. "So, Squall…you think you're ready to have a family again?"

Squall thought. _Family?My mother and sister are dead. I was the shattered vase. _And Laguna had rushed to his aid with a bottle of Super-Glue and a refusal to take any of Squall's shit. He had to give Laguna some credit. _I've got control now. My life is starting to come together again_.

He was ready, he thought, to take a dive.

"I guess I could give it a try," he said, shrugging. "…Dad." The word still didn't feel quite right. _But it's a start._

Laguna grinned broadly and opened the door of the chapel.

**The End

* * *

**

Alright, time for the hokey ending speech:

Thanks to all my reviewers, (some of whom acted as proofreaders as well. thanks for the help, guys) and people who genuinely gave the story a chance and tried to make it better. You guys rock. End of story.

Watch out for my next fic, 'kay? I have a good feeling about it.

'Til next time,

-peridotaurora


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